Pregnancy. #nofilter.

At this writing, I am 23.5 weeks pregnant with baby boy #3.

Yes, I know my house is going to be loud and dirty, etc. etc. etc.

Yes, I know I am outnumbered (I was already before, TYVM).

Yes, I know (insert dumb comment about having more than 1.5 children of the same sex).

I know I am not alone in lamenting the plethora of stupid comments that come my way when I'm pregnant. Most of the time, I have no problem fielding such comments-- but when I'm expecting, I seem to have a hard time filtering my responses.  Here are a few of the things that have been said to me when I've been expecting, and my actual, real responses to those people.

Sorry/Not Sorry.

*Conversation at Bible Camp with older woman when I was 30 weeks with #1:
Woman: Wow! Look at you! When are you due?
Me: In about two and a half months.
Woman: WHOA.  Are you SURE? I mean, WOW.  I would've thought you were due yesterday!
Me: Nope, not till October (it was August).
Woman: Well, I hear they're letting women gain much more weight these days.  In my day, my doctor only let me gain 15 pounds!
Me: Huh.
Woman: How much have you gained? I bet it's a lot.  You just look SO uncomfortable.
Me: I've gained the appropriate amount of weight for this point in my pregnancy.
Women: But how much?
Me: As much as I need to.  And I still weigh less than you.

This exchange ended well-- she laughed.  I did not.

*Drunk woman (girl?) at Jones County Fair, 28 weeks with #1:
Girl: OH MY GOSH (didn't say gosh) YOU ARE PREGNANT!
Me: Yep, sure am!
Girl: Can I touch your belly? (Didn't wait for response, starts rubbing belly)
Me: Uhhh....
Girl: It's so round! I can't believe there's a PERSON in there! I just love pregnant people!
Me: Thanks...
Girl: But I hope I'm NEVER pregnant! It's just so weird! And kind of gross! But I love you!
Me: I hope you're never pregnant either.

*Midwife appointment, 32 weeks with #2
Midwife: I see you've gained 6 pounds in the last 4 weeks.  That's too much.  You need to stop eating sugar and bread.
Kara: But in total I've only gained 16 pounds... and my blood pressure is great...
Midwife: But that's just too much.  No more carbs. How much are you exercising?
Kara: More than you, apparently. (Burst into tears, midwife rolls her eyes).
DISCLAIMER: This was NOT the amazing midwife who actually delivered Oliver :)

*Adult student in class I teach, 22 weeks with #3
Student: So did you find out what you're having?
Kara: Yep! We're having another boy!
Student: Oh, gross.
Kara: YOU'RE GROSS.

In retrospect, I am absolutely sure I said some really very stupid things to pregnant people in the past. I would like to take a moment to truly apologize to anyone I might have offended or hurt by my lack of understanding and complete ignorance of what is and what is not funny, acceptable, and kind.

Here is my advice to all non-pregnant people on how to address pregnant women:
"Wow! You look FANTASTIC! Congratulations on your blessing!"
The end.

PS-- I would also like to say that I am NOT on Twitter, so all of my hashtagging is ironic.