This is a picture of my son and his cousin. They are wearing buckets for hats, which would probably be considered haute couture on Project Runway.I'm a big fan of Buzzfeed. Whether it's something incredibly important that I need to learn about myself, like how big of a Harry Potter fan am I REALLY, or something really ACTUALLY important like which member of the Baby-Sitter's Club I am, I always find myself entertained and/or enlightened as I procrastinate. Today I was inspired to create my own little list, which will probably help you grow as a person in ways you can't even imagine.
My list is called: 5 Things I Learned from Watching Reality TV
THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT
1. Always carry a fire-starter with you.
I'm a giant, huge fan of Naked and Afraid. If you're wondering, no, it's not because they're naked (usually pretty gross-- first they're all white and flabby and then they're sun-burned skeletons). It's because, as you know, I'm a bit of a prepper. Not as in "I have a stockpile of weapons and seventeen years of toilet paper in my bomb shelter" but as in "I'm not convinced things aren't going to go downhill economically so I have a lot of rice and canned goods." I like to call myself optimistically pre-Trib, but realistically post-Trib. These factors combine into a fascination with survival shows. I love Bear Grylls, but Naked and Afraid is the best. These people know their stuff-- or they get legitimately injured or deathly ill and have to be e-vac'd off of whatever remote tundra they've been dropped onto. The ONE BIGGEST TIP I've learned from this show is that whatever Egyptian-Bow-Drill-Hatchet-mechanism you SWEAR worked in your backyard the last 300 times you did it WILL NOT WORK in an actual survival situation. So stock up on lighters, people. The last thing you want when the zombies come is a wicked case of cryptosporidium.
2. Hats aren't for everyone.
A few years ago I started watching Project Runway. I'm not a huge fashionista (most of my wardrobe is from Target) but I do love watching creative people create. I also wish I knew how to sew (more than hems and buttons and the occasional curtain, anyway) so Project Runway is one of my favorites. I've learned that much of fashion is out of my reach, both economically and aesthetically, but I have noticed that many of the hats attempted by Project Runway alumni are utterly ridiculous. Don't get my wrong-- they are glorious and amazing, but like much couture fashion, if you ever tried to wear one you'd probably be mistaken for an extra terrestrial. Hats work for Posh Spice and all those other London-ers and Ketucky Derby-ers. Hats, however, do not work for everyone.
3. Listen to your elders.
I love Deadliest Catch. I love watching how these people make their living in the toughest way I can imagine. I also love Mike Rowe's voice. Anyway, if you ever want to spot a train wreck a mile before it happens, watch a cocky greenhorn on Deadliest Catch. About ten minutes into hauling their first set of pots (see how I used crab-fishing-terminology there? Not quite sure what it means or if I used it correctly, but I feel like part of the of the Northwestern crew right now) the newbie who was sure he was the good Lord's gift to crab fishing is slipping all over the deck in his own vomit, whining that everyone is mean to him and he can't keep up. All these things are true, of course, but things would probably go a whole lot better if he would have kept his mouth shut, tried harder, and obeyed every order given to him. Who wants to get on Freddie Maugatai's bad side? AN INSANE IDIOT, THAT'S WHO.
4. Pick up your crap.
Hoarders is a sad, fascinating show. Every time I watch it I'm equal parts disgusted and saddened. I'm disgusted because, let's face it, someone living in literal feet of their own literal excrement is at the top of the grossness scale. I'm saddened because there are people in this world who have to-- or, as it may be debated, choose to-- live this way. Yet once it's on, I have a hard time turning it off. And seriously, it's been a great motivator for me when I'm lazy and tired and just don't feel like picking stuff up-- because here in Iowa in the summer, if you don't wash your dirty dishes fairly soon, you will have ant colonies take up residence in your kitchen. And while ants aren't cockroaches or possums or cat skeletons, they can be kind of icky.
5. Make ice cream.
I love the Food Network. I fancy myself a decent home-cook, and I love to try new things. I love watching Chopped-- where four elite chefs compete to make the best meal out of crazy mystery basket ingredients like pig's ears and squid lips and root beer. I have noticed, however, that the person who wins is almost always the person who makes ice cream for dessert. You'd think the rest of the world would notice this and the judges would be having ice cream on nearly every show, but I guess it hasn't caught on yet. Seriously, everyone who throws their twinkies and olives and hot dogs in some heavy cream and sugar into the ice cream machine is guaranteed to be the winner.
So there you go. An utterly useless list of things that you needed to know to improve your life. Once again, you're welcome.
