Up On the Mountain

For a while now, it’s been my husband’s and mine conviction to let God plan our family.  If you know me, you’ll recognize that it took a lot for me to get to that place—a lot of prayer, time spent in the Word, and a lot of Biblical counsel from Godly men and women.  I adore my children, but mothering hasn’t always come easy to me.  Yet once I did get there—get to that place where I put my total trust in the Lord to deliver the children in our family according to his perfect plan—it didn’t turn out like I thought it would. 

 
Have you ever experienced a situation like this? Where you desire something good, acceptable, and perfect (Romans 12:2)… and instead of everything falling into place, you have to wait? And wait, and wait, and wait?

Just FYI: This post isn’t (really) about my fertility.  Bear with me.

When I chose to turn over the number of and space between children to God, He really did a number on me.  I grew up believing I’d only have 2 (maybe, if things got crazy, 3!) children, because that’s all I knew. (I’d like to make a disclaimer here—this is our personal conviction.  If you are reading this and do not share this conviction, please do not be offended.  I believe this is a non-salvation issue; for us, it has been a sanctification process.  Also, if you have had a struggle to have any children at all, or have not been able to, please know I do not mean to equate what God has taught me with your pain and your journey.  This is merely meant to encourage anyone who wants something “good” and has been told.. patience, Grasshopper.  End disclaimer).  When God changed my heart, He went all out—I honestly went from being terrified to have “too many” children to DESIRING a “quiver full” (Psalm 127).  I longed for a large family, and because it had taken SO MUCH for me to get to that place, and because it was a “good” desire…. I assumed that instantly, I would get it.  I was on that spiritual mountaintop we've all been on—I had found such communion and joy in the Lord, I couldn't imagine ever questioning or doubting ever again, because God has revealed Himself to me! I had finally surrendered! Even if I would never admit it, I really believed, deep down in my heart, that all God needed from me was surrender, and then He would bless me.

Imagine my surprise when things haven’t turned out this way.  I have friends still in their 20’s and very early 30’s who have 5 and 6 children, and will almost certainly have more… and here I am, believing and practicing the same things, and I have 2.  I realize that I am young, and have plenty of time, but patience isn’t my strong suite.  And please know that on this earth, my two boys are THE greatest blessings.  But it is my heart’s desire to have more children, so with every passing month that it doesn’t happen, I start to question what’s going on—with my body, with my life, with my faith.  I started wondering WHY God would put a longing in me for something that he LOVES: children!, if I wasn’t going to have any more children RIGHT AWAY, or even, not at all. 

Recently, I’ve come to see that this struggle I’ve been having isn’t necessarily about the size of my family.  It’s not about how strong my faith is, or how amazing my witness is, or about showing the world how different I am because I love Jesus.  All of these things are GOOD—we should want what He wants, desire for His desires, love what He calls good and hate what He calls evil (Romans 12:9).   

This is something more personal.  It’s between me and God.  It’s about doing what I thought I was doing initially—giving up every ambition and hope, every dream, even if it is good, to the will of God.  In those moments when I reach the “peak,” I believe Him completely. 

And then we come down the mountain, and live life as we must, in fact, as God calls us to—through refinement and struggles and persecution.  Maybe, for you, your desire and hope is a Godly husband or wife.  Maybe it’s a career to provide for your family.  I have dear friends who have a heavy burden to care for the orphan through adoption.  Yet every time they move forward, in faith, God shuts doors and opportunities are lost.  How can this be? How can a God who loves us deny us “good” things?

You see, if I trust Him, I need to give up any expectation or goal or dream to Him.  If I want to obey and serve Him, and be in a right relationship with Him, I need to acknowledge and accept that He is going to use painful situations to teach me.  God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son, for goodness’ sake! And he was willing to do that. Through this time of hoping and waiting, I have come to realize that even though I’ve “come down from the mountain,” and my expectations aren’t coming to fruition, God is using this circumstance to refine me.  I have got to get to that place, where I thought I was the first time, of when I say “not my will, God, but yours”—I really mean it.  I need to turn that easy obedience into practiced obedience, and that easy trust into implicit trust.  I need to come down from the mountain, yet remain in the spirit of my experience there. 

He wants us to desire good things. 

Mostly, He wants us to desire Him.

"This I Know"-- my new song obession, by (who else?) David Crowder

Up on the mountain

Where You taught my soul to sing

Amazing grace the sweetest thing

This I know

And then the storm rushing in

And here I am again

This I know

Take me up to where I was

When I never wanted more than You

Lift me up to feel your touch

It wouldn't be that much for You

This I know

This I know

This I know

This I know

Up on the mountain

Where You took me by the hand

Taught me to dance again

This I know

Up on the mountain

Where You took this heart of stone

Put life back in these bones

This I know

Take me up to where I was

When I never wanted more than You

Lift me up to feel your touch

It wouldn't be that much for You

This I know

This I know

This I know

This I know