A Gift Worth Giving

 

If you're anything at all like me, right now you're stressing out a little bit about how much money you should or should not spend on each child to best bless them this Christmas.  How much is too much? How much is not enough? What can I give them to make them feel special and loved, while at the same time communicate the message that gifts are NOT the point of Christmas? What can I give them that won't get broken to bits or, alternatively, eaten by a curious 2 year old?

Since having my third son at the end of October, I operate in a perpetual state of anxiety.  It waxes and wanes, but it's always there, threatening to steal my peace and joy.  Some of this is hormone induced (I cry at EVERYTHING, including episodes of Team Umizoomi and various Folger's TV commercials).  Some of this is self-induced by my type-A personality (last night I re-loaded the dishwasher after my husband so graciously did it, in order to put dirty dishes in their designated areas and best utilize dishwasher capacity.)  A lot of this, however, is driven by fear.  A fear that I will fail, won't do something right, and someone will figure out that I actually DON'T know what I'm doing.  Spoiler: I don't.

I didn't grow up liking kids.  I didn't coo over babies, I thought they were kind of weird-looking to be honest.  Even when my friends all got married and started having kids, I would do the obligatory hold-and-smile, and then quickly hand them back.  What scary, fragile little things! And then I got the baby bug and had one of my own.  Instantly I was sucked in, to the world of selfless love-- where you just automatically love something (someone!) so much that there is NO QUESTION their needs will be met before your own, that their lives are precious and beautiful.  In 2009, when my oldest was just a newborn, I was meeting friends for coffee and on the way heard that Mark Shultz song with the lyrics, "He's not just anyone, he's my son..." I burst into sobbing, gut-wrenching tears because I HAVE A SON and just for a second, I got a tiny glimpse of what God must have felt when Jesus was suffering.  The people of Panera were very concerned during this outburst.  Lots of free hot chocolate ensued.

Having children brought to light my fear of failure.  It highlighted and exaggerated my imperfections (NO patience, lack of grace for failure, a tendency to be judgmental and critical). That anxiety that has always bubbled under the surface of my life came roaring to the forefront and ruled me.  And I fed it.  Colossians 3:2 says, "Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth."  My husband kindly and gently reminded me of this, and also of Philippians4:8 where we are instructed: "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."  I didn't want to raise my children in a home ruled by fear and worry.  As we know, 1 John 4:18 reminds us that "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love."  As Christians, we do not have to fear the punishment of God.  I have been saved by faith; the goodness of God's grace and Jesus's death and resurrection have taken the punishment that was meant for me, and I no longer need live in fear.  So why do I still struggle with this?

This Christmas season, I have decided to set my mind on the things of God.  I am choosing to be brave in that I am fixing my eyes on "whatever is pure, whatever is lovely" and am consciously closing my mind to fear and failure.  My hope is in Jesus, and even if everything falls apart in my eyes, I know that God's ways are perfect-- his thoughts and ways are higher than mine, and his good purpose will always prevail.  This knowledge has completely changed how I view my life-- even the rough times, such as when my 2 year old was hospitalized last weekend-- have purpose and give glory to God.  I will still cry and worry,and I will always be far from perfect.  But Jesus is changing me from having a spirit of fear to a spirit of hope and faith.  By the grace of God, I will give my children the gift of growing up in a home ruled by his peace, love, and joy.  This is a present far more valuable than anything I can wrap.

Also, it won't break or get eaten.