Scar Tissue

The reasons for many of my scars :)

I have six scars on my abdomen.

Some are larger than others, but each of them tells a story. A few days ago I was at my post-op appointment for the hernia surgery I had two weeks ago. The surgeon remarked how he had opted to make incisions lower than normal in case I ever "wanted to wear a bathing suit that shows your abdomen."

Leave it to a surgeon to use five separate words in place of "bikini." Anyway.

I got to thinking about it. The past few years have been big for me in terms of body image/acceptance/love. Negative body image and an eating disorder are in my past- not something I enjoy discussing, so I won't go into the specifics of it, but know that there were many years of struggle to overcome some debilitating habits and, more importantly, some deeply held beliefs. For whatever reason, I had come to connect my self worth with the number on a scale or the size of my jeans or how many of my ab muscles were visible. When I got married it got a bit better, but I wouldn't say I was completely okay with myself until the last couple of years. It was probably a combination of things, but turning 30 and having my third son really seemed to mark a turning point in how I felt about myself.

As a Christian, my self worth is found solely in my savior. At 31, I have been a Christian for almost half my life now, but for whatever reason I had been unable to give up this struggle with pride and anxiety over my body image. Last time we went to Florida, I did hide my abdominal scars. Yet in recent months I've been able to step back from those negative thoughts and question their validity- the number on the scale or tag does not determine my worth. A few extra blemishes doesn't make me unworthy of Jesus's sacrifice-- I was unworthy anyway. My entire being belongs to Jesus and he chose to die for me because he loves me. He loves ME. It is finished. Previously, a doctor mentioning all the scars and how I would want to hide them probably would have made me ashamed. (For the record- my surgeon is a great guy and in no way was he trying to imply I should be ashamed of all the scars, he's just a dude saying what he always says and I'm just a woman reading WAY TOO MUCH into everything.)

Anyway, the scars on my belly used to bring me sadness.

Two are from my ectopic pregnancy, the loss of our first sweet baby.

One is from my C- section with Silas, which contributed to my PPD.

And now, three news ones from a hernia caused by carrying my children.

But where I once saw reminders of sad memories, I realized last night that I now see them as stories of strength. My husband pointed out that each of the scars comes, both directly and indirectly, from our marriage, and our children.  The ectopic pregnancy was devastating, but through it I saw miracles and have been able to share the gospel many times over. The C-section wasn't what I hoped or dreamed but it brought me Silas who now is a healthy, vibrant 6 year old. The hernia was excruciating and the recovery hasn't been all roses, but each time I look at these three new scars forming I'm reminded of how my body changed and grew to make room for my sons.

Jesus's scars have purpose- this sermon by Spurgeon explains that his scars establish his identity, they are his "glories" and precious jewels, his trophies of love. When I will look on his scars I can't even imagine the gratitude and love I'll feel.

My scars, in turn, remind me of who I am- what Christ has done for me, the graciousness of God and the blessings he's given me in this life. They tell a story of redemption and life, and I will never be ashamed again.